I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
