guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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