You can't motorboat a personality
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
