dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
