Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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