You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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