I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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