Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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