Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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