Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
God, I missed his penis.
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