i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
