what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
