Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just invented taco cereal.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
