My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
