What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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