highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
