census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
