Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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