Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
