if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
