apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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