Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
