I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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