U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
