Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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