I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
