The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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