grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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