I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
