Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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