she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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