She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
