I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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