I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
