put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
