Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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