you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
