I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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