I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
