Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
