I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize