my phone needs a breathalizer
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
