Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
