Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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