Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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