I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
