Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
