any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
