the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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