You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
well, you know. whores of a feather.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
