He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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