I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
