Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize