True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
