Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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