In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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