sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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