i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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