Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
